THE LOVE THAT WAS NEVER MINE TO BEGIN WITH

THE LOVE THAT WAS NEVER MINE TO BEGIN WITH
Guillian Jacques Mispelaere

The Love That Was Never Mine to Begin With

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First Edition: September, 2024

This book is a work of fiction. Characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, is entirely coincidental.

This book was set in Roboto and will be printed on acid-free paper.

This website was used to publish this book because the autor uses this site to show his work as a student.

Cover design by AI.

Chapter 1: The spark

Dear Friend,

Waiting for someone has something beautiful, even romantic. Because you can keep them in this space in your mind where they are perfect. They can’t do anything wrong and it feels like you have control. I thought love was something only idiots thought they felt, but everything changed when I met her.

For weeks I had been talking online with a girl. We were telling pieces of our lives that we didn’t trust anyone with, stories about what we want to achieve later, and all kinds of thoughts that were going through our heads at the time.

August 27, 2023, I can still remember the day like it was yesterday. We decided to finally meet and even though we had never seen each other before, it felt like the most normal thing in the world. The plan was to watch the sunset with a bottle of wine, nothing spectacular. I saw her sitting on a bench, watching the rising sea in the distance. The wind slid through her hair like a knife through butter, the same hair I had imagined so many times during our late-night calls.

As she walked toward me, it was as if time stood still for a moment. We made eye contact and she spontaneously began to smile. In that moment, everything else faded into the background. Her smile made the world feel smaller, as if we were the only two people on that beach. It seemed like a scene from a movie. And this time not just any movie, but my movie.

An awkward but not uncomfortable embrace followed. It was our first time seeing each other in real life, but this hug made it all feel so natural. We walked up the beach and conversation was as smooth as it was online. It was as if I had known her for an eternity. The cheerful orange sky changed to a night gray and we decided to sit on the beach. I opened the bottle of wine and just as quickly we resumed our conversations. She started talking about her dreams, how she would like a cottage here in art deco style on the shoreline. She wanted a terrace big enough to invite all her friends and enjoy the setting sun herself at night. And me? I was admiring her. So young, so confident and perfectly knowing what she wants to do with her life. I was already getting scared, how could I keep up with such a life? I am already happy to know what I will do next weekend.

The bottle of wine had run out so we decided to end the evening, even though I could sit there with her for hours more. Once at her car we looked at each other and shared a smile.

I had never felt so many emotions at once as I watched her drive away. After all this time, I finally knew again what it feels like to be in love; I had recovered the spark I had lost. For a long time now, I felt like I was right where I was supposed to be.

Chapter 2: The party

Dear Friend,

Right after our first date on the beach, she invited me to an outdoor techno party. Even though techno was not my favorite genre of music, I had to go. It was yet another chance to be closer to her, a step closer into her world.

I’m sure the neighbors didn’t like the event, because you could hear the bass from miles away. But for the people who went, it was amazing. It took place in a huge open field, filled with laughter and good vibes.

Everyone was dancing, laughing and making memories. The techno scene felt foreign to me, but her? Wow, she fit right in, like she belonged here. I watched her from a distance at first, trying to find my place in this world that was so different from my own.

Moving my body to the beat was really easy and the place looked spectacular, but my eyes were only focused on her. She had to notice at some point, which she did. Her face lit up with that same smile that blurred any worry away. She came closer to me, asking if I liked it and strangely, I absolutely did.

Because of her, everything felt easy and I could just be myself.

One song after another followed and time seemed to fade away, but all that mattered was that I was there with her. But even in the midst of it all, I couldn’t shake off that feeling of doubt. She was so confident, vibrant and I felt like I was just trying to chase her.

She suggested we stay with her after the party was over because there were no more trains going home. When we arrived at her apartment there was the usual small talk, both exhausted after the long time partying. I didn’t care where I was, I just enjoyed being with her.

She told me she didn’t like cuddling in bed, she didn’t like the feeling of someone else clinging to her while she was trying to sleep. I nodded and tried to hide my disappointment, because I loved doing just that. I wasn’t going to make her feel unsafe, I wanted the opposite, I wanted her to feel comfortable around me.

After the party, I was exhausted and wanted to fall asleep, but I couldn’t. While trying to pretend everything was normal, I was super aware of the fact that I was sleeping next to someone I had feelings for. Even when there was a distance between us, it felt like we were connected.

But that seemed to fade away as quickly as snow before the sun, because everything felt different the next morning. The magic from the last day had worn off and I was brought back to reality. As I got ready to leave, we didn’t talk much, just the usual small talk.

One final hug before I said goodbye, it felt a little bit awkward, but I didn’t know what to do. I had this weird cocktail of emotions in my stomach. I felt relieved that I didn’t screw up, but also disappointed that nothing happened between us that night.

Just like in bed, there was a bond between us that was just out of reach. She was like a star that seemed so close but yet so far. I kept clinging to some beliefs that if I just kept going, one day something would change. That’s the thing with hope, it keeps you going.

Chapter 3: The end of silence

Dear Friend,

There comes a time in life when you can no longer keep things inside, like trying to hold back the flow of a river. That’s how I felt after that night at her house. All the feelings I had been bottling up started piling up inside me, and I knew I couldn’t hold it in forever.

After that night, not much changed. We kept talking, still met often and still shared those moments that felt like they could lead to something more. But the uneasy feeling continued to prevail. A certain tension developed between us and we both realized there was something there, but no one dared to admit it.

That day kept repeating itself in my head, and time after time I asked myself if I could have done something different. I had to see her, I had to talk to her about it. There was a chance she didn’t feel the same way about me, but I had to do this.

I send her a message that we needed to talk. We met back at the beach like on our first date, but this time we walked to a small cozy cafe near the shore. The beautiful weather of that time was far to be seen, as was that happy feeling I had that particular evening. The words kept building up inside me, and in between all the quiet moments and awkward laughs I blurted out my feelings. “I think I love you.” The words hung in the air between us, heavy and charged with emotion. For a moment I felt relieved, that the uncomfortable feeling inside me was gone after all these weeks.

A long silence fell. She looked at her hands and then back at me, her eyes filled with something I couldn’t quite place. “I care so much about you,” she said softly, “but I don’t feel the same way.”

It was like a punch in the stomach, even though I had prepared for it. I tried to control my emotions. “No problem, I just had to tell you how I felt.” She put her hand across the table and took my hand. “I hope we can still be friends,” she said, her voice full of despair.

“Yeah, sure,” I replied, although I wasn’t sure I believed it myself. After this, how could we go back to the way things were?

When we made it home, the silence between us was deafening. I knew things would never be the same again, but at least I had told her how I felt. That night, as I lay in bed, I replayed our conversation, her words reflecting in my head like an echo. It hurt more than I thought it would, but I felt a strange sense of relief.

Even though it was not the outcome I had hoped for, I had finally told her how I felt. You just have to keep going, even if you’re not sure where you’re going.

Chapter 4: Life goes on

Dear Friend,

The sun does not stop for anyone, the sun will rise up in the morning no matter what. Regardless of how I feel, the sun will shine and life goes on, even if sometimes you wish it would stop for a while.

After our last date I thought everything would change but honestly the first few days were the toughest. I kept thinking about her look when she rejected me, but even that image I could finally point away. That’s the thing about love, whether it happens or not.

There were also days when the pain was unbearable and I just wanted to run away and think about myself for once. But how could I leave someone who was so important to me? So I stayed in her life, even though it was often difficult, I kept going.

Day by day, it became more and more bearable. I never found it easy to deal with my feelings, but it worked. I began to accept that we will never be more than friends, and I found peace in that. Instead of dwelling on what could never be, I focused on myself. Before I met her, I too had a life of my own, and I still do. I reconnected with old friends, tried new hobbies and found joy in the little things again. All this stuff had made me forget who I was without her so I began the search for myself.

A few weeks later we were sitting at her house watching TV. For the first time in a long time I felt good. The tension between us had subsided and been replaced by something calmer. “I’m really glad we’re still friends,” she said. “Me too,” I admitted. I realized I meant it. I didn’t want to lose her, even if it meant giving up hope for something more.

The weeks became months and I felt myself becoming more myself again. We saw each other a little less but when we did see each other there was a kind of peace, we had been through a whirlwind of emotions together. This made our bond stronger.

One day I realized I was over her, not completely, but enough to breathe again. I now knew how to deal with my emotions and that my life had so much more to offer. The future was uncertain, but that didn’t scare me anymore. Life goes on, and so do I.

Chapter 5: A glimmer of hope

Dear Friend,

Life has one hateful quality. Just when you think you’ve found your own peace, life flips your whole truth. I thought I had myself back under control, that I could go on without her. In that moment, something happened that made me question everything again.

Several months have since passed since I told her how I felt. We weren’t as close as we used to be, but we were still good friends.

And like good friends tell each other everything, she suddenly told me about a new boy she had met. She had met a boy who made her eyes light up in a way that simultaneously broke and restored my heart. She had finally found someone who makes her shine even more than she already did. He was everything I am not. Confident, charming and full of life.

I met her boyfriend once during a house warming. Seeing them together stirred the feeling I felt when she told me she doesn’t think the same about me. I suppressed the pain and tried to smile when she looked my direction. I don’t know why but until this day I still had hope that maybe we would become something someday.

Months went by where nothing much special happened, and at that moment you think everything would go back to normal. Suddenly I got a phone call. I saw her name light up on my screen and I had a hunch something was going on. She asked to meet at a shopping center, and sure enough I said yes, because who doesn’t like shopping? When I saw her, I noticed that her eyes didn’t sparkle as they did a few months ago. She looked tired, exactly as if she hadn’t slept in the last few weeks. I looked at her questioningly and she sighs as she gets tears in her eyes. “I’m not sure he’s doing well. I mean, he’s great and I really like him, but…. there’s something missing.” I got quiet for a moment and didn’t know what to say. I wanted to comfort her and hug her and I wondered if maybe I still had a chance. But I held back and decided to listen.

The longer we walked around together the more I realized that my feelings for her have changed. The hope I had for so long was quietly fading. There is still a glimmer of hope but I am not as desperate as I was before. I have finally realized that I want her to be effectively happy. With or without me.

We came to a stop and sat down in a quiet place. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt him but I can no longer pretend that everything is okay.” I told her to listen to herself and put herself first and that she deserved all the happiness in the world. She nodded and told me she would think about it.

When we said goodbye, there was a new understanding between us, a new kind of peace. As I watched her walk away, I felt lighter, as if a weight I didn’t realize I was carrying had finally been lifted.

As I drove home, I thought again about our conversation. I realized it wasn’t over yet. The future was still uncertain, but for the first time being I felt ready to grab it with both hands, whatever it might bring.

Because sometimes letting go of the things you have no control over is the only way to find peace. And that’s what I had done. I had let go of the hope that was holding me back and as a result I had found something better. Inner peace.

Chapter 6: A night to remember

Dear Friend,

Sometimes you have to make choices that are not so obvious. I felt like I needed a way to push myself out of my comfort zone and rediscover who I really was. I felt like I couldn’t do this here; I needed to be able to let go of the familiar. Choosing to leave for Mexico wasn’t easy, and telling her, even less so.

I saw sadness in her eyes, reluctance to let go. For a moment it felt like I had made the wrong decision, but soon she assured me that she understood the choice. It was a dream of mine to explore the unknown, to seek peace in nature and within myself. Ever since our first conversation, she knew this was something I was going to do someday in my life.

I decided to organize a small farewell party at my home before I left. A last drink together with my family and friends, an evening of laughter and fun. My garden was the perfect location, under the warm glow of the setting sun and cozy music. The weather could not have been more perfect, clear skies, just the right temperature and a gentle breeze. She arrived first, just as I knew she would. “You really outdid yourself this time,” she said as she stepped into the garden. “Always, right?” I replied.

The garden filled with friends, laughter and the smell of food. Yet she was the one that caught my eye again and again. The orange – pink tinted sky made her look even more beautiful than she already was. Her smile filled the garden and the happiness I wish for her finally returned.

My stomach began to fill with that crazy feeling again, that feeling I thought was buried. I was sitting in a crowded garden, surrounded by close friends and yet I wanted only one thing, her attention. The lines between friendship and something more blurred in the haze of alcohol and the approaching goodbye. Time passed and the late night began to become an early morning. Everyone stumbled home and the two of us were left. She had long since decided to stay with me, as she had drunk too much to drive home. Once in my room, it didn’t take long before we were in bed.

We shared the bed again. Something that felt so familiar, yet so different. We slid closer and closer together and suddenly we were cuddling. Something she had clearly told me she didn’t like to do. We both felt it, that this night was different. We both realized that this was the last night for a long time that we will spend together. “How am I ever supposed to get over these feelings for you?” tumbled the words quietly but confidently across my lips. She continued to lay there but her answer remained unchanged. “You have to … We can’t do otherwise … we are best friends and that already never change,” she said as firmly as before.

She turned and hugged me like she had never done before. I felt her heart beating against mine and for a moment the world stood still, just as it had during our first date on the beach. She apologized and I told her it was totally okay. After all, it was my feelings, my thoughts that I just couldn’t control.

After a while, she fell asleep while her body still nestled against mine. But I couldn’t sleep. I was too aware of the fleetingness of this moment, I cherished every second that ticked by. I didn’t want it to end, I wanted to freeze time, to keep her with me as long as possible. The night continued as I lay there, wide awake. I knew that tomorrow everything would be different. She would still be my best friend and I would be on a plane to Mexico, leaving behind the only person who had ever made me feel this way.

As dawn approached, I realized that this night, however painful, had given me something precious. A memory to hold on to, a familiar person in a familiar environment that I will always be able to think back to as I face the unknown.

Chapter 7: The morning after

Dear Friend,

I started the morning after with a slight headache. The sun was peeping through the curtains and it filled my room with a golden light. For a brief moment I forgot what happened last night, but soon the realization came. I felt her soft skin still attached to mine, she was still fast asleep. She looked so at peace so I didn’t wake her up, she deserved some rest after everything that happened.

But reality waits for no one, no matter how hard you try to put it off. I knew this was the beginning of the end, the end of everything that felt so familiar for so long. In less than a week, I would be on my way to Mexico, leaving the familiar behind me, and on top of that, she would be here, continuing her life without me.

As I was trying to leave the bed to get some breakfast for us, I accidently woke her up. She wasn’t mad or annoyed, for a brief moment everything felt in place. There was no rush in the morning, we took everything slow and for granted. Ate breakfast together, talked with my parents, did the dishes and everything felt so familiar. Even when this our first time doing all of this, it felt normal. It was easy to forget all the worries, the stress and the fact that I would leave in a week.

When she told me she needed to go home to study for her exams, reality returned. I remembered that needed to prepare all the documents and pack my stuff, so we decided to say our goodbyes. We stood at the door, “I’m really going to miss this,” she said softly, looking at me with that familiar mixture of sadness and understanding. “So will I, but it isn’t a goodbye, it’s a see you soon, right?”

“I know, thanks for tonight,” she said while walking away.

The rest of the week was exhausting because of the final goodbyes and preparations. I spent a long time thinking about my road ahead and all the challenges that wait for me in Mexico. But even through every thought, I kept thinking of her. Thinking about every memory we made together and all the memories that we still have to make.

I cherished the little things, like the quiet moments in my garden, the smell of breakfast in the morning, the walks with my dog in my quiet village … I knew these were the things I would miss the most.

Chapter 8: Last goodbye

Dear Friend,

It felt like I was walking through a fog on the day I had to leave. I knew I had to leave eventually, but I never expected it to come this soon. Keeping my emotions in check wasn’t something I was good at, especially not on days like these. There was no going back, I was leaving for a while and everything would change, I could feel it.

While I was on the train, I kept thinking about her. I wanted to see her one last time, give her a final hug before I left. Even though we almost spent my entire vacation together, I couldn’t leave without seeing her, so I texted her. Since my train would make a transition at the station near her home, I texted her that I would wait a few minutes at the station. Not even a minute had passed and she already texted me she was on her way. She promised she would be there, determined to see me before I left. My parents and my best friend were on the train with me, ready to see me off, but she couldn’t come with me to the airport. We only had this brief moment on the platform and that was more than enough.

My heart was racing as my train approached her station; it was exactly as if I were about to meet her again for the first time. The reality of my departure hit me harder than I expected, and I wasn’t sure I was ready. After all, six months away from familiar surroundings was something I had never done before.

When the train came to a stop, I looked out the window and saw her standing there, waiting for me. Our eyes met from a distance and she began to wave, her warm, soft smile fighting the tears she was trying to hold back. I knew I had to keep my composure; if I started crying, so would she.

As I walked toward her, it felt just like the first time I met her. The world around us seemed to blur, as if once again it was just her and me. This time not on the beach, but on a crowded platform. We shared a hug as if time was about to stop again, but it was more than just a hug. It was a silent conversation, a way of expressing everything we couldn’t say out loud.

But time just ticked by, she greeted my best friend and my parents. For a few minutes we all talked small talk, pretending that this was one day like another. But no matter how we tried to stall for time, the train to the airport was already arriving and the moment we were so afraid of was breaking.

She said goodbye to my parents and my friend—who was the first to board the train—just as swiftly as she had welcomed them, giving us a brief moment alone. I felt as though nothing I tried to say was good enough. “So this is it, huh?” I said, trying to seem as cool as possible, but my voice betrayed that.

Before I could say anything else, she put her arms around me and gripped me tight as if letting go would shatter her. “Please don’t leave me alone,” she whispered, her voice trembling. “I can’t do this without you.”

I pulled her even closer, feeling her familiar warmth. I reassured that I’m still here and that I would make time to text her in between classes.

“Promise?” she whispered.

“Always,” I replied, “you know me, don’t you?”

While looking at her one last time, I pulled back. She tried to hide her tears with a broken smile but that effort was in vain. She looked so vulnerable, I hated it. I wanted to see her happy again, laughing, finding joy and I knew I couldn’t give her that right now. Before I stepped on the train I turned back and shouted that I would always love her.

She whispered it back, but the sound of the train was louder than her voice. I couldn’t hear her, but I saw the words on her lips and that was enough. It was enough to know that she felt the same way, even if it was only in that moment.

With one last look, I forced myself to turn around and move on. I watched her through the window as the train began to move. My best friend saw that something was wrong, so he asked if I was okay. I forced a smile, “Yeah, no other choice, right?”

Soon the station disappeared from my view and I was left with the memories. The image was etched in my memory, a bittersweet reminder of everything I was leaving behind. I knew I was making the right choice and that this journey was something I needed to do for myself. I needed to grow, to discover who I was without the safety net of all that was familiar. But that didn’t make it any easier to leave her.

I leaned back in my chair as I tried to calm the storm of emotions swirling inside me. The train ride to the airport felt like a lifetime, but also like it was over in an instant.

In that moment, I realized that some goodbye moments are not really goodbye moments at all. They linger in the spaces between words, in the memories that stay with you no matter how far you go. I promised myself to always carry her with me. Because no matter where I went, no matter what I did, she would always be a part of me. And that was something that no distance, no time, could ever take away.

Chapter 9: A new beginning

Dear Friend,

Sorry it took me a while to write you, but things have been pretty busy around here. So much has happened in the past month that I barely had time to list and pen down everything.

The flight to Mexico City went pretty smoothly, slept a lot, read a lot of my new favorite book and most of all sat around dreaming about the adventures I will have here. When the plane landed, I was overwhelmed with emotions and questions. Finding my way to the bus stop was quite complicated, especially since my Spanish was not at the level I hoped it was. It was overwhelming, but it was only the first step in the chapter of my life.

After the long bus ride, I met my host family at the bus stop, they came to pick me up and when we arrived at their home, all the stress I still had was out of my body, I was finally home. Queretaro is a city full of charm, warm culture and most importantly, filled with good food. I spent the weekend exploring every corner, getting lost in the winding alleys, enjoying the atmosphere. There was so much to see, so much to take in and, above all, so much to photograph.

One of the many highlights of my first week was meeting the other students and my roommates. Everyone came from different parts of the world, each with our own stories and reasons why we are here. Despite our differences, we were all the same, there was an instant connection because we are all here together. We spent days where we explored the city together, shared stories with each other and even went dancing together downtown. I had made new friends, new memories and new stories to tell my friends back home.

But even as I tried to immerse myself in this new world, there were moments where all I thought about was her. A nice sunset, a day at the beach, or even a song that reminded me of her. It wasn’t pain I felt, rather it was a presence I would rather leave behind, to find myself again. I knew it would take time to let go, but I was sure I would succeed.

One evening, while sitting alone in my room, I gave in to the thoughts and decided to give her a call. Just to hear her voice, to listen to her stories and to share mine with her. Surprisingly, it still hurt to hear her. I was glad she was doing well, but most of all, I just wished she was here with me. She told me she missed me and was counting down the days until I return, it felt good that she was still thinking about me. Part of me hoped for that, while another part selfishly wished she hadn’t.

It wasn’t fair to her, and it wasn’t fair to myself, to hold on to something that could never be. I couldn’t hold on to the past forever. She was a hugely important part of my life, and always would be, but I had to let her go. I was here with a purpose, to embrace life with a smile.

Chapter 10: Today

Dear friend,

To this day we text each other regularly. I try to think about her less and less and I succeed little by little. I focus mostly on my studies here, the school where I study is very big, bigger than some of the villages I come from. Everyone is super nice here and my Spanish is improving, at least I think so.

Besides studying, I also occasionally go on weekends with some of my new friends here. I had already told them about the situation with her and they help me a lot to shift my focus and have fun here. They sometimes try to set me up with other girls here but I don’t really feel like that right now, the wound is no longer visible but I still feel it.

As I said before, we still hold contact regularly, still share stories from home and here. I thought I wasn’t in love with her anymore, but when she told me she had met someone new she was interested in, something in me broke.

That’s the thing about love, you have no control over it. You can try so hard to dampen or magnify your feelings for someone else, it doesn’t work. Your heart wants what it wants and that’s the end of it. Moving on with your life after someone with whom you never really had a relationship is like trying to heal a wound from a ghost , it was never tangible, but the pain is deep and real. You replay the moments, the almosts and the what could have beens, so clearly that they sting again.

You mourn the loss of what never was, you mourn a future you silently built in the hopeful corners of your mind. Each day becomes a subtle negotiation between longing for what could have been and accepting the barren void where those dreams now lie. The hardest part is letting go of the quiet hope that still whispers in quiet moments that maybe, just maybe, things could have been different. And yet, as you face each day, the echo of the question remains: how do you say goodbye to someone who was never really yours?

It took me a long time to understand this: you can’t force someone to love you. I spent so much time fighting for one-sided affection, trying to prove my worth to people who clearly didn’t see what I had to offer. I thought that if I was kind enough, caring enough, present enough, they would eventually see in me what I hoped they would see. But the harsh reality is that you can’t beg for love.

This time has been a journey, a series of lessons learned in pain and hope, and you are one of the people who has understood that. I have finally understood that love must be mutual to be true. It must come naturally without trying too hard or losing yourself in the process. I have learned to recognize the signs of unrequited love, to listen to my intuition and to listen to the whispers that I deserve better. I have learned that my self-worth does not depend on the approval of others. I have learned to love myself, to recognize my own merits without anyone else having to affirm them.

Until next time,

Your friend.